Being emotionally unavailable describes the inability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships. Since it’s difficult to have a healthy relationship without an emotional connection, such people tend to find relationships a challenge.

Say you’ve dated someone for about six months. You have plenty in common, not to mention great sexual chemistry, but something seems a little off.

Maybe they shy away from conversations about emotional experiences, or talk a lot about their life and interests but never ask about your hobbies.

This apparent lack of investment can make you wonder if they even like you. But your involvement (whether it’s a relationship or something more casual) continues, so you reason they must have feelings for you.

The good news is they probably do. The bad news is they might be emotionally unavailable.

Recognizing emotional unavailability can be tricky. Many emotionally unavailable people have a knack for making you feel great about yourself and hopeful about the future of your relationship.

But if, after an encouraging start, you never connect more intimately, they might not have the ability to maintain anything beyond casual involvement at the moment.

The signs below can help you recognize emotional unavailability in a partner.

  • They don’t like making plans. Emotionally unavailable people may show less inclination to make commitments, whether these commitments are minor or more significant.
  • They call the shots. When you do see each other, they tend to choose what you do — usually an activity that aligns with their typical routine.
  • You do all the relationship work. When you aren’t spending time together, you may find that you rarely hear from them. Maybe they take days to reply to messages or ignore some messages entirely, especially meaningful ones.
  • They avoid the word ‘relationship.’ Emotional unavailability can involve commitment and intimacy fears. You might participate in relationship behaviors with someone — go on dates, spend the night together, meet each other’s friends — but they don’t want to talk about having an official relationship.
  • They show up late or blow off plans. Not keeping commitments or consistently showing up late is a subtle way to keep someone at a distance. Your partner might still care and even apologize with sincerity. But they may care more about what they want and have trouble restructuring their life to include you.

Maybe some of the above signs resonated with you as traits you’ve noticed in yourself, or things past partners have pointed out to you.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. You may not fully realize how it shows up in your relationships.

Here are some signs to keep in mind.

  • When commitments approach, you want to back out. It’s important to take enough time for yourself. That said, if you end up canceling plans with your partner more often than not, it may help to consider why you feel the need to avoid spending too much time together.
  • You operate by keeping your options open. Instead of discussing relationship goals like long-term commitment or exclusivity with your current partner, you continue swiping, going on dates, and generally keeping your eyes open for greener pastures.
  • You worry about losing yourself in a relationship. Maybe you like to do things your way, on your schedule, and don’t want to change your life to fit someone else’s. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can make you less available. In a healthy relationship, partners balance individual needs with their romantic commitment.
  • Trust doesn’t come easily to you. If someone betrayed your trust in the past, you might avoid exposing your vulnerabilities to anyone else. When a partner urges you to open up and talk about how you’re feeling, you respond by shutting down or changing the subject.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s a complex issue, though, and some underlying causes may be harder to overcome than others.

Change only happens when someone is willing to work at creating it, so you can’t make an emotionally unavailable partner more available.

But you can try these strategies:

  • Bring up concerning behaviors, like avoiding making plans or sharing feelings.
  • Point out, compassionately, how those behaviors affect your relationship.
  • Encourage them to connect with a therapist, or offer to try couples counseling with them.
  • Offer encouragement and support when they do open up.

If you’re trying to become more emotionally available yourself, the following tips can help.

Identify the cause

Exploring the root issues can give you insight on how to deal with emotional unavailability.

If you’ve gone through a nasty breakup, for example, you may just need some more time before trying to get close to someone again.

But if something more serious, like childhood neglect, affects your ability to get close to others, it’s wise to talk with a therapist. Coping with the effects of trauma or abuse generally requires professional support.

Practice opening up

It’s often helpful to get more comfortable expressing emotions on your own before trying to share them with a romantic partner.

To do this, consider these ideas:

  • Keep a journal of your feelings.
  • Use art or music to practice emotional expression.
  • Talk to trusted people, like close friends or family members, about emotions.
  • Share emotional issues or vulnerabilities via text first.

Take it slow

Once you realize you’ve been emotionally distant, you might want to begin changing that immediately.

Overnight improvement isn’t realistic, though. True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort.

A better approach? Small, gradual changes.

To put it another way, it never hurts to step out of your comfort zone, but you don’t need to leave it completely in the dust.

Involve your partner

As you explore factors contributing to emotional unavailability and work on becoming more available, communicate with your partner about what you learn.

You may have an easier time enlisting their support if they understand why you tend to pull away.

Explore helpful strategies together, such as:

  • sharing emotions by leaving notes for each other
  • staying connected via text when you need physical space

Spend time with people in healthy relationships

When emotional unavailability stems from attachment issues or unhealthy relationship patterns, it can help to learn more about what healthy relationships look like.

One way to study healthy relationships involves time in the field. Think of friends or family members in strong, long-term relationships, ideally people you spend a good amount of time with. Pay attention to how they interact with their partners.

This won’t give you a full picture, but it can provide some useful insight.

Talk with a therapist

Emotional unavailability isn’t always something you can work through alone, and that’s OK.

If you continue having trouble with emotional vulnerability and feel distressed about the difficulties it causes in your relationships, a therapist can offer guidance and support.

In therapy, you can work to identify potential causes and take steps to break unhelpful relationship patterns.

If you’re already in a relationship, couples counseling can go a long way to helping you and your partner address any challenges together.

Being emotionally unavailable describes the inability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships.

If someone is emotionally unavailable, they may:

  • avoid making commitments, even minor ones like making plans to go out
  • always choose what you do together
  • avoid using the word “relationship” or talking about having an official relationship
  • constantly show up late or blow off plans

Emotional unavailability, on either side, can cause a lot of frustration and distress. But it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your relationship.

Talking with your partner, or taking time to explore your own behaviors, can help you start identifying possible issues and working through them productively.

Patience, communication, and support from a therapist can help, especially if you don’t seem to be getting anywhere on your own.