Some people may notice feelings of sadness or loneliness when their children leave home. To manage this experience, often called empty nest syndrome, you may need some lifestyle changes or professional help.
The post-parental stage — which begins once your last child has left home — offers some people a chance to explore adult life with more free time and fewer everyday responsibilities.
Other folks find it more difficult to adjust to this new phase. You might, for instance, begin to notice feelings of loneliness and depression, especially if you now live alone or feel as if you’ve lost your sense of purpose.
Empty nest syndrome isn’t an official diagnosis or clinical term, but it can still affect your emotional health and day-to-day activities. There’s a lot you can do to ease the transition and find new meaning as you enter this stage of life.
According to a 2020 study, living in an “empty nest” may not adversely affect older parents’ happiness unless they’ve already experienced social isolation or are living without a spouse.
Also, the results from a
Plus, the post-parental stage may have many benefits:
Improved intimacy
As a busy parent, you might have found it tough to carve out time to spend with a romantic partner. Juggling family grocery shopping, meal prep, extracurricular activities, rides to friends’ houses, homework help, and more can take up a lot of time.
Now you may have the time — and the privacy — to reboot your relationship. A 2021 study suggests that an empty nest can improve marital closeness.
Self-actualization
Once your children have left, you may realize you have a lot more resources to dedicate to your own needs and desires.
That could mean space to set up a home gym, money to travel, or the free time to go back to school or rejoin the workforce. In short, you can rediscover yourself and follow whatever path you wish.
Better relationships with your kids
You may find it easier to relate to your kids as adults when you’re no longer responsible for their laundry. Plus, they may have a new appreciation for all the work you put into feeding and sheltering them once they start paying rent and making their own meals.
Mutual respect and appreciation can go a long way toward smoothing out conflicts.
Pride
Raising a child is no small feat. No matter the circumstances, you deserve to feel proud for helping your children become independent adults.
When the empty nest doesn’t stay empty
It’s important to be aware that your empty nest may not stay that way. Economic instability, housing shortages, and other issues may make it more likely for younger adults to live at home.
The return of so-called “boomerang children” can upend your post-parental phase of life, for better or for worse.
The departure of your child or children may also prompt unwanted changes at home. This transition may feel somewhat bittersweet, or it might feel deeply distressing.
You might experience some of the following:
- Sorrow: It’s natural to miss your child, even when you realize they need to live their own life. Your home may seem quiet, lonely, or even feel less like home without them. You may go through a grieving process as you mark the end of an era.
- Anxiety: Now that you can’t keep up with your kid’s day-to-day life, you may worry if they’re eating well, getting to bed on time, and staying out of trouble. As a result, you might feel the urge to call or text frequently to check on them. Wanting to stay involved could eventually lead some people toward the “helicopter parent” route, where they try to manage their children’s lives from a distance.
- Existential doubt: Your role as a parent may make up a significant part of your identity. Once your kids leave home, you may feel somewhat empty or at a loss for what to do next.
- Relationship issues: The uncertainty of this transition may add tension to your relationship with your partner. While your kids live at home, issues like ineffective communication or unsatisfying sex may not seem important enough to deal with immediately. But once the kids strike out on their own, you may suddenly have to consider the shape of your new lives alone together, and those issues you had set aside may start popping back up.
Everyone experiences an empty nest differently, depending on individual circumstances and societal or cultural factors. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about your children leaving the home.
Several factors may contribute to the feelings associated with empty nest syndrome, including:
Identity
During the parenting years, you may have submerged yourself in the day-to-day buzz of supporting your kids and keeping the household running. Consequently, you may have had less time to pursue your own interests or relationships outside your immediate family.
When you reach the empty nest stage, you may need some time to explore and reawaken those parts of your identity that exist outside of parenthood.
Regret
Parent-child relationships may involve levels of conflict, especially during the teenage years. If your child left home on bad terms, it can throw a shadow over your empty nest.
You may regret lost opportunities to connect with your child and repair the rifts in your relationship. Or you may worry that your child won’t come back for visits.
Fear of separation
Even if you and your child have an incredibly close relationship, their departure from the family home naturally creates some physical and emotional distance.
You may begin to worry this gap will only grow larger over time — that this person who once made up a significant chunk of your world will return home only a few times per year, like holidays and special occasions.
Concern about your child’s choices
Perhaps your child has left home to pursue what you consider an unrealistic career or live with a partner you have concerns about. You might, quite naturally, feel worried, especially if you perceive their departure from the nest as more of a freefall than a flight.
You may be more likely to experience empty nest syndrome if your child leaves outside the typical time frame in your culture or when their reasons for leaving don’t align with social norms.
Mid- and late-life changes
Depending on when your child leaves home, the empty nest stage could fall in line with other life milestones, such as:
- Menopause: Hormonal shifts
can often contribute to irritability, depression, and other mood symptoms. These symptoms may worsen when your children leave the home. - Retirement: Your job can serve as another source of status and social connection, so halting your career and parenthood at the same time can prompt you to question your sense of purpose.
- Losing your own parents: If your kids leave home around the same time that your parents pass away, you may feel very isolated as you cope with grief and the loss of your main support system.
Any of these changes could increase the stress of transitioning to the empty nest stage.
Even when empty nest syndrome leads to unpleasant or uncomfortable emotions, it can help to remember that these feelings won’t last forever.
In the meantime, you can try a few strategies to help your empty nest feel like home again:
- Keep in touch with your children: Your child may no longer live at home, but you can still interact with them regularly. Consider setting up a weekly or monthly video call to catch up, or ask your kid if they mind you emailing or texting every few days.
- Put yourself first: As you grow older, you continue growing as a person — and now, you might have plenty of time to try out new hobbies or exercise programs, explore cuisines your kids had no interest in, or take those 3-day camping trips you always dreamed about.
- Spread your social circle: Adult friendships can do a lot to bring the spark back into your life and fend off boredom. It can also help to lean on other family members during this time, including your partner, parents or siblings, and other loved ones.
- Consider a pet: If you really need to scratch that caregiving itch, consider adopting a furry friend. A
small 2020 study suggests that pet ownership may provide several benefits for older adults, including reducing loneliness and giving a sense of purpose.
It’s natural to have some mild, temporary feelings of sadness or loneliness after your children leave. On the other hand, if you experience ongoing distress that disrupts your everyday life and activities, it may be worth considering professional support.
Reaching out to a therapist may be a good next step if you:
- find it difficult to enjoy your usual activities
- feel unable to connect with loved ones as you typically would
- have trouble motivating yourself to do basic self-care, like eating meals or showering
- feel overwhelmed with regret, longing, or resentment when thinking about your child
- notice an increase in conflict with your partner
- feel as if your life is “all downhill from here” or no longer has meaning
The right therapist can help you identify and cope with powerful emotions and explore options for making the most of your post-parenting life.
Help is available
If you’re experiencing acute mental or emotional distress or thoughts of self-harm, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:
- Call 988.
- Chat with the lifeline.
This service is available 24/7.
Also, you can check out this list of affordable online therapy options.
Sending your children off to college, careers, and life with their own partners can be a bittersweet experience. You might thrive right away as you enter the post-parental stage, but you could also feel a little lost or grapple with feelings of anxiety and depression.
It may take some time to settle into a new daily pattern. Before long, though, you may find yourself enjoying even more of what life has to offer.
However, if feelings of loss, emptiness, or other emotional distress linger or get worse over time, support can make a difference. Connecting with a therapist, loved ones, or a support group can help.
Emily Swaim is a freelance health writer and editor who specializes in psychology. She has a BA in English from Kenyon College and an MFA in writing from California College of the Arts. In 2021, she received her Board of Editors in Life Sciences (BELS) certification. You can find more of her work on GoodTherapy, Verywell, Investopedia, Vox, and Insider. Find her on Twitter and LinkedIn.